Saturday, July 21, 2012

Satire Saturday: An Open Letter to Non-IBS'ers

IBS'ers, have you ever wanted to scream aloud "I love having IBS" to everyone you saw? Oh, just me. Well, I guess I'm going solo on this one. Anyway, you should be proud of the fact that you have IBS. I'm sure many people sit in a corner and wish they had IBS. After all, it is a wonderful thing to experience.

The bloating, nausea, constipation/diarrhea, weakness, belching, acid reflux, and many others are just absolutely charming to everyone who experiences it. Why wouldn't you want it? Plus, it gives you a good excuse for your lack of participation in communal activities. 

This is when a thought hit me. "Why don't I compose an open letter to those non IBS sufferers for Satire Saturday?" Of course, I was serious when I said this. If I wasn't serious, it would ruin the point of the satire.

Please join with me as I express my feelings via open letter. Enjoy.

Open Letter to Non-IBS'ers 

Dear Non IBS Sufferers,

How dreaded your life must be. After all, Non-IBS'ers, you don't have to yield to daily struggles. You don't need to abstain from certain foods that may trigger your symptoms. You don't even need to use the toilet every hour. I bet you curse your own life! Living a NORMAL life with NORMAL regulations and restraints must be darned awful. How can you even live with yourself? Not going to the doctor's office or the Emergency Room multiple times a month is also a major turnoff, you sad souls.  

I bet you don't even think twice before ingesting a McDonald's hamburger, or before downing a whole 24 oz. bottle of extremely acidic soda. Honestly, I couldn't even imagine living a life like that. You have my uttermost pity and respect. The lack of pain you deal with on a daily basis is mind blowing. It's almost fathomless! 

Non-IBS'ers, it's not too late to join our side. If you join us, you will experience the most terrible pain you've ever felt in your life - daily!  It's the best thing I could imagine! Plus, there are even IBS conventions in which you attend with other sufferers. Could life get any better? 

I leave you with one last request. That request is me urgently begging you to turn over your NORMAL ways and to join us IBS'ers. You won't regret it! 

With love and Alka-Seltzer, 
The IBS-Boy

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